What can you say?

I got a text today that my uncle is being taken off life support. My dad had mentioned earlier they might try it to see if he could breathe on his own so there was some confusion. I later found out that they were taking him off with the plans of leaving him off no matter the outcome.

Part of me is so thankful. Living in a nursing home with no quality of life at all is no way to live. And I can just imagine his entrance to heaven and my Mom standing with arms wide open for her favorite brother in law. But on the other hand I hurt. He was such a fun person and I know my dad is heart broken.

I also found out this afternoon that another friend has lost her mom. Oh what I would give for no one else to experience that pain. I know it all too well. Not wanting them to be sick anymore, but selfishly not wanting to let go. And then you realize you would take them any way you could have them as long as they were still here. Knowing you will miss someone for the rest of your life and looking down the road to how long that can be. Having every good memory be bitter sweet because of the absence that can't be filled.

I have had friends ask me what to say when they are talking to someone who has suffered loss. Like I am some expert. Let me tell you- I am not nor will I ever be the one to ask about saying appropriate things. My usual response however is that sometimes words aren't needed. That is the only way you can make sure you don't stick your foot in your mouth. In this situation there are just way too many things you don't want to hear. and even if it is not totally inappropriate it is still rarely comforting. because nothing is comforting.
so here is my answer to any and all "what can I say when my friend loses a loved one?" questions. Just say I love you and then be quiet. hug them. hold them tight. love them. pray for them- but keep it to yourself. cry with them- or without them. talk if they want to and about whatever they want to. or just be silent. some of my favorite people to be around after mama died were the ones who let me know we could just be silent.

I say all of this knowing full well I will stick my foot in my mouth some time in the future if I haven't in this post.

To Holly, and Aunt Mary, Dad, Deborah, Danny, Chad, and Cody- I love you. I love you very much! always.

The joy of a friend knowing exactly what you need without you having to say it.

Memories

Today is mom's birthday. She would have been 66. It feels so young to talk about someone in the past tense. Every time we celebrate her I still go through the day in disbelief.

She has been gone over three years now and sometimes it feels like yesterday but other times I think it has been a lifetime. So much has happened. Four children have been born into our family, people have moved homes, jobs have changed, Dad got married (obviously that would not have happened with her here). I just can't believe life went on without her.

There are days I can talk about her without crying just a little, but they are few and far between. Especially lately. I don't know if it is Rachel or what, but I miss her more than usual right now. I have decided holidays will always be hard on some level. After all this was her time to shine. Of course her birthday, and then Thanksgiving. She always spent about three days in the kitchen for this day. There were pies to make, dressing, broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes, and one large turkey and usually a ham that needed to be prepared. We helped some but the majority of it was made by her very skilled hands. and then we went right in to Christmas which was pretty much a "stand back and watch her go" time of year. We never knew where she was but the credit card people did. Mom was crazy about Christmas. Her only reply when the question of Santa Claus came up was "Christmas Magic" (and that was when I was 22).

I apologize for going on and on. I could talk about my mom for hours so I have to stop myself.
The conclusion that I am coming to is that how much you miss someone is directly indicative of how much you loved them in life and the importance they had.
I can't wait to see her again.

The joy of our reunion!

Christmas Crazy

Disclaimer: I take all things Christmas very seriously. Christmas decorations, music, movies, gifts, clothes, socks, and jewelry.... all a very serious matter!

This is the first year I have two bugs for Santa to bring gifts to. Both Caleb and Rachel will be getting so many things from outside sources that Zac and I thought it would be a good idea for Santa to scale down a little this year at our house. After all SC is working on a limited budget with only one income and we are trying to sell the workshop.
Growing up my sisters and I got one staple every Christmas. No matter what else was under the tree there was always an absolute that I could count on come Christmas morning- a baby doll.
Needless to say I want the same for my daughter. Let me tell you I have had to put some serious thought into what kind of doll is appropriate for a four month old. She is also getting her christmas pajammas (another must for every christmas) and a couple of books and toys.

My big problem is the doodle bug. I have gotten him a game that I am very excited about. and just like his sister he has pj's and books coming his way. but here is the delimma... He has gotten very into Blue's Clues. He runs around looking for clues and even stashes some around the house so he can play. Now back in the day when my sister's boys were young you could find BC stuff every where (and cheap). Now that is not so much the case. I have been on amazon, and even bid on ebay several times trying to get this kid a handy dandy notebook because he wants one so badly. They are anywhere from $18- $199. What is the deal... They used to be five bucks. So where do I draw the line? Do I become that mother that just has to have this item to the point that I start stalking people, standing in line, forget paying our bills so I can afford this, and even threatening people to get it? Or do I find some neat way to make one even though I have no idea how I will do that? Either way (probably not the first) I know that come Christmas morning my little man will have just what he needs tucked under the Christmas Tree.

The joy of Christmas Magic!!!

Promises

I might tend to ramble in this post because I have a fever (not sure why) and don't feel all that great but in the interest of pleasing a dear friend I wanted to make a post because she is watching :)
For this and all future posts I refer to me, zac, cabo, and rach as my little family. My big family is usually my side of the family including my four sisters, bonus sister, bonus brother, all of their spouses and children, Dad, and Linda.- and Zac's side of the family which includes his Mom, Dad, sister, and grandparents.

I talk to Rachel a lot about all of the people who love her and cherish her already. We also talk about her Grandmommy and how special she was and is to us. We talk about how much love she had, how much fun she was, and how much she loved family and God.
My big family is going through a bit of a shock this week. My Dad's oldest brother had a stroke on Sunday and it has rocked everyone to some degree. Of course his family but also my Dad as they are very close would do all I can to keep him from hurting. and it seems to take us back to my mom and a cure that was not to be found on this earth.
So Rachel and I were talking about life, love, and loss. I told her that we are not promised a tomorrow. The next thing I said was this "but we are promised forever". I stopped there in my kitchen, holding my two month old, and her half made bottle. I didn't even realize what I had said until I said it and over three years of anger, hurt, and confusion seemed to be answered.
I have been praying for so long for God to help me understand why we are put on this earth with people to love so much just to lose them in horrible ways or at unspeakable times. It was as if he spoke the words through my mouth in an innocent conversation with my infant.
We are never promised a tomorrow on this earth. We are given a much greater gift. We are promised an eternity with people we love, and a God who is beyond compare. We are promised a forever without hurt, sorrow, lonliness, anger, sadness, fear, tragedy....
While we will suffer temporary losses and struggles that seem so great we wonder if we can make it through at times, we have a promise that there will come a day when all will be made right and then we have forever to celebrate.

The Joy of our God!!!

My Bugs growing like weeds

Rachel, my ladybug, had her two month appointment today. I can't believe she is two months old. Seems like yesterday the nurse was telling me my water hadn't broken when I knew better. That is not something you mistake.
She has gained two pounds since her last visit and is two inches longer. The hilarious thing is that I was going in today prepared to ask the Doctor if she was eating enough because it doesn't seem like she eats a lot. I was also told that by the way she holds her head up and moves a lot that she could start rolling over any day now! NO WAY! I am not ready for her to be mobile in any way. She is just growing too fast.

My Doodle bug Caleb continues to amaze me. Out of no where he will look at me and say "excuse me mom, can I watch Blues Clues?". Then he runs off to work the DVD player by himself. He also points at letters on books and tells me what sounds they make. I want to sit with him and ask "what all do you know?".

The joy of children... Sometimes they make me crazy, but I can't imagine life without them and I wouldn't want to try.