Sunday, February 14, 2010

Safe Place

I hate the dark. I always have. If for no other reason than that I can't see and I am already a clumsy person when things are lit. But most of all it is lonely, depressing, and a little scary. I am a very jumpy person(easily crept up on). I like to see what is coming at me. Because of this I don't like the dark or swimming in the lake or Pacific side of the ocean.

As a child I got very anxious some nights. When I shared a room with my sister it was a lot better because I was not alone, but she moved out when I was eight and I struggled a lot of nights to settle down and relax. Like most girls my Dad was my hero. There was nothing he couldn't fix or make better. On the nights when I was so worried by the dark that my stomach was upset I would find him(usually downstairs watching Johnny Carson). I remember very clearly climbing into his lap and instantly feeling better and sleep came soon after.

The insecurities and unsureness that comes with another sibling have finally hit Caleb. While he does not share my dislike of the dark he is not 100% sure of his place and thus very clingy lately. He has been struggling to go to bed by himself and spends a lot of time crying for me. While this breaks my heart, I know he has to work through some of it on his own and he knows I am here.
The other night I had just gotten Rach down to sleep and Caleb was crying for me again. He came in my room and climbed up in my lap and I began rocking. Almost instantly he let out the most precious sigh of relief. I realized in that moment that I was his safe place. All other problems gone, he relaxed without a worry in the world and closed his sleepy eyes.

Especially now with two kids there are some days when I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Several diaper changes, baths, multiple wardrobe changes for me and the kids, fixing breakfast, fixing lunch, fixing dinner, picking up the house, taking time to play, and naps leaves little to no time for me. Some days the only thing I get to do for me is go to the bathroom, and lets face it everyone benefits when I get to go to the bathroom. :)
However, when I have simple moments with Caleb laughing at something I have said, holding Rachel in my arms and her almost immediatley falling asleep with her hands on my face, or that moment with Caleb and all of his world being made right reminds me that not only do I have a good job, I have the best job. God trusted me to carry, deliver, love, and raise his creation.
I am blessed

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