Crossing The Desert

A few hours ago I was doing some of my candid talking with the almighty. I take so much from those times as they are when I feel the closest to the Lord, like we are old friends just hanging out at the starbucks.

I sat and listened for his answer and it led me to the story of Moses. What a fabulous story. A man who by all accounts should have never lived through infancy in captivity. Raised to be royalty, stood up for his people, left his home, married a good woman(which we all know is essential), stood in the presence of God, and returned to a place where he was a wanted man to free an entire race of people. He is one of the best examples of being a vessel for the Lord's work.

I have left out part of this story. It is the part that was revealed to me this afternoon and is most often overlooked. Moses CROSSED A DESERT to find the path that God had prepared for him. He went without shelter, food, water, and a known direction to hear the Lord and follow through on his life's purpose (which I think we can all agree was a pretty spectacular one).
So many times I am praying to God to lead me to where he wants me. To reveal my purpose. Meanwhile I complain about any deserts that I have to cross. I complain that I am lost or simply don't have the game plan to my life. God led Moses out of the desert to greatness, and I believe he protected him while he was there. I must have faith that he will do the same for me and those that I love.

The Joy of the deliverer!!!

To all of the ones I love who are walking through the desert- The deliverer does not abandon, and he has greatness planned for you on the other side!!!

Lives in Review

The past couple of weeks have been a whirl-wind. Zac and I had a fabulous weekend that was kid free. We were in Dallas for a company weekend with Zac's company. Our children were with their grandparents and we spent two days with fabulous men and women who have wonderful values, loving hearts, and great faith. It was so re energizing for both of us with only one exception.



The first week of July Zac's grandfather became more sick than usual. As time went on it was obvious that he was not going to get better. I have not hurt for my husband that much since I watched him lose my mom. It was heart breaking. Zac's granddad was 88 years old. He got to see his grandchildren grow up. He got to see four generations from him in his great grandson. He got to see his name sake(Caleb Jonathan) and his wife's name sake(Rachel Kathleen) come into this world. He decided to go home to his wife and his savior on July 24th. Once again people have said things to us that were so wrong. They were trying to show love and support but sometimes that just goes wrong. The thing we got the most, and I even found myself thinking it, was "he lived a long life". Something mom said to me in the hospital, just two months before her death was that it doesn't matter how long someone lives you are never ready to let go. We always want more. and it is so true. It is a little different when it is your grandfather, instead of a parent or child, but loss is loss and the heart hurts.



On a happier note, my baby girl is just three short weeks from turning one. I am not prepared in any way. It seems like yesterday I was telling Zac that I was pregnant. That pregnancy couldn't go fast enough, but getting her here was a breeze and everything has moved so fast since. She, along with her brother, are the light of my life. They make me laugh everyday and I am so proud to be their mother. Rachel is everywhere. She crawls on her stomach but she is so fast I don't know why she would do anything else. She is also becoming quite the little cruiser. It felt like it took her forever to sit up and then in one day she just took off with pulling herself up and cruising around tables. I can't wait to see what she does next.

Caleb is ever changing. We continue to look for some speech therapy for him but he is already so much smarter than me I am afraid I won't stand a chance when he gets caught up. He is really big into calling people right now. So if you get a call from him just have your conversation and know that I am somewhere near by. Caleb also proves to be more and more stubborn. I wonder who he gets that from? He pretty much has the mentality that he will do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and we can play along. If he doesn't like what we say he simply ignores us. That has been extremely frustrating but I remind myself that God made him and it is not my job to break him, but to simply mold.

The joy of raising kids, and bidding temporary good-byes

Night Owl

It would seem that late at night is when I tend to get things done lately. Zac and the kids are asleep and while I am more tired than I can say it is nice to have uninterrupted work. I can get laundry caught up, the house picked up, and things done on the computer with no one asking for my attention or undoing what I have done.
I have always been a night owl(much like my mother). I have been much less so since having Caleb and Rachel, but I used to stay up until all hours watching TV, reading a good book, or just getting things done. It is not as fun as I remember since my eyes want nothing more than to shut and sleep well. I wish I could go back to my twenty year old self and say "SLEEP!!! Sleep now, because there will come a time when your body hurts and you are so sleep deprived you think you are going crazy."

None the less, now I am a night owl out of necessity. So for all of my fellow Mothers and wives out there who are up right now working along side me- I love you and keep dragging those feet. Our work is never done!

OLYMPICS

We are one week into the Olympics and I am already dreading the end. I love the Olympics, especially winter. I love the summer ones two but I am picky about what I will watch. With the winter Olympics it doesn't matter what event is on, I am at least going to have it on while I work. Caleb has also shown some interest in some of the events, which I love. and since he has been sick all week we have gotten to watch a lot of coverage.

Now, I will say that some events are not my favorite(i.e. Ice Dancing) while snowboarding, alpine skiing, and speed skating are things I am not going to miss.

So here are my feelings on some of the goings on for the 21st Olympic Games:

K. D. Lang- Wow. That is all I am going to say!

I am(against my will)l really starting to like these Canadians. They are very into social services and extremely proud of their country, but not in a cocky way. All of the coverage for athletes or local businesses that work for handicapped individuals just melts my heart.

My heart goes out to Georgia and I almost can't watch the luge because of it. I don't understand why each new country has to have the fastest, best, and record breaking tracks. Why isn't it enough to just have an Olympic worthy track?

Curling: don't understand it but I love it. They slide these stones down a lane and yell at each other while sweeping the ice. It's confusingly fabulous.

Matt Lauer is wonderful. I find him so much easier to listen to than Katie Couric.

I really like to watch all the fun background stories on the athletes. The things they have sacrificed and overcome to get where they are- it's amazing.

I am not a huge fan of men's figure skating. All the crying, and girly outfits. It's hard to watch but more importantly I am so glad Evan beat that Russian. I can't stand him.

Those snowboarders crack me up. They don't care what is going on, they just love each other and love their sport. I find the girls halfpipe a let down after the men's though.

All the delays are ridiculous. Sorry Vancouver.

I think Olympic commercials are better than super bowl commercials.

and finally- I don't care who you are, wearing a tiara to the medal ceremony is silly. Let's not, ok!

Safe Place

I hate the dark. I always have. If for no other reason than that I can't see and I am already a clumsy person when things are lit. But most of all it is lonely, depressing, and a little scary. I am a very jumpy person(easily crept up on). I like to see what is coming at me. Because of this I don't like the dark or swimming in the lake or Pacific side of the ocean.

As a child I got very anxious some nights. When I shared a room with my sister it was a lot better because I was not alone, but she moved out when I was eight and I struggled a lot of nights to settle down and relax. Like most girls my Dad was my hero. There was nothing he couldn't fix or make better. On the nights when I was so worried by the dark that my stomach was upset I would find him(usually downstairs watching Johnny Carson). I remember very clearly climbing into his lap and instantly feeling better and sleep came soon after.

The insecurities and unsureness that comes with another sibling have finally hit Caleb. While he does not share my dislike of the dark he is not 100% sure of his place and thus very clingy lately. He has been struggling to go to bed by himself and spends a lot of time crying for me. While this breaks my heart, I know he has to work through some of it on his own and he knows I am here.
The other night I had just gotten Rach down to sleep and Caleb was crying for me again. He came in my room and climbed up in my lap and I began rocking. Almost instantly he let out the most precious sigh of relief. I realized in that moment that I was his safe place. All other problems gone, he relaxed without a worry in the world and closed his sleepy eyes.

Especially now with two kids there are some days when I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Several diaper changes, baths, multiple wardrobe changes for me and the kids, fixing breakfast, fixing lunch, fixing dinner, picking up the house, taking time to play, and naps leaves little to no time for me. Some days the only thing I get to do for me is go to the bathroom, and lets face it everyone benefits when I get to go to the bathroom. :)
However, when I have simple moments with Caleb laughing at something I have said, holding Rachel in my arms and her almost immediatley falling asleep with her hands on my face, or that moment with Caleb and all of his world being made right reminds me that not only do I have a good job, I have the best job. God trusted me to carry, deliver, love, and raise his creation.
I am blessed

Learning New Things

I have been out of school for a while and sometimes I feel that I am actually becoming dumber every day. There are some days that I don't know how to put together a sentence. I spend almost all day every day with a three year old and a four month old (this is by choice and Zac's sacrifice, so I am not complaining). Our conversations consist of Diego, Blues Clues, Letters, lunch, the potty, and coloring.

The past week I have learned more new things than usual. This is pretty fun if it doesn't take too much work to accomplish. Here is a list of my new information. Hope you learn some new things too.

Puff Pastry sheets are in the frozen foods with pie shells.

Orange zest is really good.

Needing a break from my children doesn't make me a bad mom.

If Caleb doesn't remind me to buckle him in there is a chance I will find him wandering about the car while I am driving down the road. (that might make me a bad mom)

There is no limit to the crazy of some people.

Birth control should be taken at the same time every day.

Rachel's little 12lb body is in no way indicitive of the amounts of spit up and poo that comes out of her.

Zac has gotten funnier.

Lions can eat up to 88lbs of food in one meal.

It doesn't matter what episode- I am always going to laugh hard if I watch Friends, Arrested Development, or That 70's show.

There are some things I don't want to know.

If I was on Biggest Loser I would definately choose Jillian to be my trainer.

Caleb can make me laugh so hard my sides hurt.

I am really out of shape, but I sleep better and eat less when I am working out.

New York doesn't have the death penalty.

Poop can go out the front, back, and both sides of a diaper all at once.

I find true joy in watching my children interact with each other.

I am more blessed than I have ever been.

What can you say?

I got a text today that my uncle is being taken off life support. My dad had mentioned earlier they might try it to see if he could breathe on his own so there was some confusion. I later found out that they were taking him off with the plans of leaving him off no matter the outcome.

Part of me is so thankful. Living in a nursing home with no quality of life at all is no way to live. And I can just imagine his entrance to heaven and my Mom standing with arms wide open for her favorite brother in law. But on the other hand I hurt. He was such a fun person and I know my dad is heart broken.

I also found out this afternoon that another friend has lost her mom. Oh what I would give for no one else to experience that pain. I know it all too well. Not wanting them to be sick anymore, but selfishly not wanting to let go. And then you realize you would take them any way you could have them as long as they were still here. Knowing you will miss someone for the rest of your life and looking down the road to how long that can be. Having every good memory be bitter sweet because of the absence that can't be filled.

I have had friends ask me what to say when they are talking to someone who has suffered loss. Like I am some expert. Let me tell you- I am not nor will I ever be the one to ask about saying appropriate things. My usual response however is that sometimes words aren't needed. That is the only way you can make sure you don't stick your foot in your mouth. In this situation there are just way too many things you don't want to hear. and even if it is not totally inappropriate it is still rarely comforting. because nothing is comforting.
so here is my answer to any and all "what can I say when my friend loses a loved one?" questions. Just say I love you and then be quiet. hug them. hold them tight. love them. pray for them- but keep it to yourself. cry with them- or without them. talk if they want to and about whatever they want to. or just be silent. some of my favorite people to be around after mama died were the ones who let me know we could just be silent.

I say all of this knowing full well I will stick my foot in my mouth some time in the future if I haven't in this post.

To Holly, and Aunt Mary, Dad, Deborah, Danny, Chad, and Cody- I love you. I love you very much! always.

The joy of a friend knowing exactly what you need without you having to say it.