The Joy of Our Little Family

Crossing The Desert

2010-08-16T17:03:00.001-07:00

A few hours ago I was doing some of my candid talking with the almighty. I take so much from those times as they are when I feel the closest to the Lord, like we are old friends just hanging out at the starbucks.

I sat and listened for his answer and it led me to the story of Moses. What a fabulous story. A man who by all accounts should have never lived through infancy in captivity. Raised to be royalty, stood up for his people, left his home, married a good woman(which we all know is essential), stood in the presence of God, and returned to a place where he was a wanted man to free an entire race of people. He is one of the best examples of being a vessel for the Lord's work.

I have left out part of this story. It is the part that was revealed to me this afternoon and is most often overlooked. Moses CROSSED A DESERT to find the path that God had prepared for him. He went without shelter, food, water, and a known direction to hear the Lord and follow through on his life's purpose (which I think we can all agree was a pretty spectacular one).
So many times I am praying to God to lead me to where he wants me. To reveal my purpose. Meanwhile I complain about any deserts that I have to cross. I complain that I am lost or simply don't have the game plan to my life. God led Moses out of the desert to greatness, and I believe he protected him while he was there. I must have faith that he will do the same for me and those that I love.

The Joy of the deliverer!!!

To all of the ones I love who are walking through the desert- The deliverer does not abandon, and he has greatness planned for you on the other side!!!

Lives in Review

2010-08-06T19:07:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been a whirl-wind. Zac and I had a fabulous weekend that was kid free. We were in Dallas for a company weekend with Zac's company. Our children were with their grandparents and we spent two days with fabulous men and women who have wonderful values, loving hearts, and great faith. It was so re energizing for both of us with only one exception.

The first week of July Zac's grandfather became more sick than usual. As time went on it was obvious that he was not going to get better. I have not hurt for my husband that much since I watched him lose my mom. It was heart breaking. Zac's granddad was 88 years old. He got to see his grandchildren grow up. He got to see four generations from him in his great grandson. He got to see his name sake(Caleb Jonathan) and his wife's name sake(Rachel Kathleen) come into this world. He decided to go home to his wife and his savior on July 24th. Once again people have said things to us that were so wrong. They were trying to show love and support but sometimes that just goes wrong. The thing we got the most, and I even found myself thinking it, was "he lived a long life". Something mom said to me in the hospital, just two months before her death was that it doesn't matter how long someone lives you are never ready to let go. We always want more. and it is so true. It is a little different when it is your grandfather, instead of a parent or child, but loss is loss and the heart hurts.

On a happier note, my baby girl is just three short weeks from turning one. I am not prepared in any way. It seems like yesterday I was telling Zac that I was pregnant. That pregnancy couldn't go fast enough, but getting her here was a breeze and everything has moved so fast since. She, along with her brother, are the light of my life. They make me laugh everyday and I am so proud to be their mother. Rachel is everywhere. She crawls on her stomach but she is so fast I don't know why she would do anything else. She is also becoming quite the little cruiser. It felt like it took her forever to sit up and then in one day she just took off with pulling herself up and cruising around tables. I can't wait to see what she does next.

Caleb is ever changing. We continue to look for some speech therapy for him but he is already so much smarter than me I am afraid I won't stand a chance when he gets caught up. He is really big into calling people right now. So if you get a call from him just have your conversation and know that I am somewhere near by. Caleb also proves to be more and more stubborn. I wonder who he gets that from? He pretty much has the mentality that he will do what he wants to do when he wants to do it, and we can play along. If he doesn't like what we say he simply ignores us. That has been extremely frustrating but I remind myself that God made him and it is not my job to break him, but to simply mold.

The joy of raising kids, and bidding temporary good-byes

Night Owl

2010-03-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

It would seem that late at night is when I tend to get things done lately. Zac and the kids are asleep and while I am more tired than I can say it is nice to have uninterrupted work. I can get laundry caught up, the house picked up, and things done on the computer with no one asking for my attention or undoing what I have done.
I have always been a night owl(much like my mother). I have been much less so since having Caleb and Rachel, but I used to stay up until all hours watching TV, reading a good book, or just getting things done. It is not as fun as I remember since my eyes want nothing more than to shut and sleep well. I wish I could go back to my twenty year old self and say "SLEEP!!! Sleep now, because there will come a time when your body hurts and you are so sleep deprived you think you are going crazy."

None the less, now I am a night owl out of necessity. So for all of my fellow Mothers and wives out there who are up right now working along side me- I love you and keep dragging those feet. Our work is never done!

OLYMPICS

2010-02-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

We are one week into the Olympics and I am already dreading the end. I love the Olympics, especially winter. I love the summer ones two but I am picky about what I will watch. With the winter Olympics it doesn't matter what event is on, I am at least going to have it on while I work. Caleb has also shown some interest in some of the events, which I love. and since he has been sick all week we have gotten to watch a lot of coverage.

Now, I will say that some events are not my favorite(i.e. Ice Dancing) while snowboarding, alpine skiing, and speed skating are things I am not going to miss.

So here are my feelings on some of the goings on for the 21st Olympic Games:

K. D. Lang- Wow. That is all I am going to say!

I am(against my will)l really starting to like these Canadians. They are very into social services and extremely proud of their country, but not in a cocky way. All of the coverage for athletes or local businesses that work for handicapped individuals just melts my heart.

My heart goes out to Georgia and I almost can't watch the luge because of it. I don't understand why each new country has to have the fastest, best, and record breaking tracks. Why isn't it enough to just have an Olympic worthy track?

Curling: don't understand it but I love it. They slide these stones down a lane and yell at each other while sweeping the ice. It's confusingly fabulous.

Matt Lauer is wonderful. I find him so much easier to listen to than Katie Couric.

I really like to watch all the fun background stories on the athletes. The things they have sacrificed and overcome to get where they are- it's amazing.

I am not a huge fan of men's figure skating. All the crying, and girly outfits. It's hard to watch but more importantly I am so glad Evan beat that Russian. I can't stand him.

Those snowboarders crack me up. They don't care what is going on, they just love each other and love their sport. I find the girls halfpipe a let down after the men's though.

All the delays are ridiculous. Sorry Vancouver.

I think Olympic commercials are better than super bowl commercials.

and finally- I don't care who you are, wearing a tiara to the medal ceremony is silly. Let's not, ok!

Safe Place

2010-02-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

I hate the dark. I always have. If for no other reason than that I can't see and I am already a clumsy person when things are lit. But most of all it is lonely, depressing, and a little scary. I am a very jumpy person(easily crept up on). I like to see what is coming at me. Because of this I don't like the dark or swimming in the lake or Pacific side of the ocean.

As a child I got very anxious some nights. When I shared a room with my sister it was a lot better because I was not alone, but she moved out when I was eight and I struggled a lot of nights to settle down and relax. Like most girls my Dad was my hero. There was nothing he couldn't fix or make better. On the nights when I was so worried by the dark that my stomach was upset I would find him(usually downstairs watching Johnny Carson). I remember very clearly climbing into his lap and instantly feeling better and sleep came soon after.

The insecurities and unsureness that comes with another sibling have finally hit Caleb. While he does not share my dislike of the dark he is not 100% sure of his place and thus very clingy lately. He has been struggling to go to bed by himself and spends a lot of time crying for me. While this breaks my heart, I know he has to work through some of it on his own and he knows I am here.
The other night I had just gotten Rach down to sleep and Caleb was crying for me again. He came in my room and climbed up in my lap and I began rocking. Almost instantly he let out the most precious sigh of relief. I realized in that moment that I was his safe place. All other problems gone, he relaxed without a worry in the world and closed his sleepy eyes.

Especially now with two kids there are some days when I wonder what I have gotten myself into. Several diaper changes, baths, multiple wardrobe changes for me and the kids, fixing breakfast, fixing lunch, fixing dinner, picking up the house, taking time to play, and naps leaves little to no time for me. Some days the only thing I get to do for me is go to the bathroom, and lets face it everyone benefits when I get to go to the bathroom. :)
However, when I have simple moments with Caleb laughing at something I have said, holding Rachel in my arms and her almost immediatley falling asleep with her hands on my face, or that moment with Caleb and all of his world being made right reminds me that not only do I have a good job, I have the best job. God trusted me to carry, deliver, love, and raise his creation.
I am blessed

Learning New Things

2010-01-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

I have been out of school for a while and sometimes I feel that I am actually becoming dumber every day. There are some days that I don't know how to put together a sentence. I spend almost all day every day with a three year old and a four month old (this is by choice and Zac's sacrifice, so I am not complaining). Our conversations consist of Diego, Blues Clues, Letters, lunch, the potty, and coloring.

The past week I have learned more new things than usual. This is pretty fun if it doesn't take too much work to accomplish. Here is a list of my new information. Hope you learn some new things too.

Puff Pastry sheets are in the frozen foods with pie shells.

Orange zest is really good.

Needing a break from my children doesn't make me a bad mom.

If Caleb doesn't remind me to buckle him in there is a chance I will find him wandering about the car while I am driving down the road. (that might make me a bad mom)

There is no limit to the crazy of some people.

Birth control should be taken at the same time every day.

Rachel's little 12lb body is in no way indicitive of the amounts of spit up and poo that comes out of her.

Zac has gotten funnier.

Lions can eat up to 88lbs of food in one meal.

It doesn't matter what episode- I am always going to laugh hard if I watch Friends, Arrested Development, or That 70's show.

There are some things I don't want to know.

If I was on Biggest Loser I would definately choose Jillian to be my trainer.

Caleb can make me laugh so hard my sides hurt.

I am really out of shape, but I sleep better and eat less when I am working out.

New York doesn't have the death penalty.

Poop can go out the front, back, and both sides of a diaper all at once.

I find true joy in watching my children interact with each other.

I am more blessed than I have ever been.

What can you say?

2009-11-30T20:11:00.000-08:00

I got a text today that my uncle is being taken off life support. My dad had mentioned earlier they might try it to see if he could breathe on his own so there was some confusion. I later found out that they were taking him off with the plans of leaving him off no matter the outcome.

Part of me is so thankful. Living in a nursing home with no quality of life at all is no way to live. And I can just imagine his entrance to heaven and my Mom standing with arms wide open for her favorite brother in law. But on the other hand I hurt. He was such a fun person and I know my dad is heart broken.

I also found out this afternoon that another friend has lost her mom. Oh what I would give for no one else to experience that pain. I know it all too well. Not wanting them to be sick anymore, but selfishly not wanting to let go. And then you realize you would take them any way you could have them as long as they were still here. Knowing you will miss someone for the rest of your life and looking down the road to how long that can be. Having every good memory be bitter sweet because of the absence that can't be filled.

I have had friends ask me what to say when they are talking to someone who has suffered loss. Like I am some expert. Let me tell you- I am not nor will I ever be the one to ask about saying appropriate things. My usual response however is that sometimes words aren't needed. That is the only way you can make sure you don't stick your foot in your mouth. In this situation there are just way too many things you don't want to hear. and even if it is not totally inappropriate it is still rarely comforting. because nothing is comforting.
so here is my answer to any and all "what can I say when my friend loses a loved one?" questions. Just say I love you and then be quiet. hug them. hold them tight. love them. pray for them- but keep it to yourself. cry with them- or without them. talk if they want to and about whatever they want to. or just be silent. some of my favorite people to be around after mama died were the ones who let me know we could just be silent.

I say all of this knowing full well I will stick my foot in my mouth some time in the future if I haven't in this post.

To Holly, and Aunt Mary, Dad, Deborah, Danny, Chad, and Cody- I love you. I love you very much! always.

The joy of a friend knowing exactly what you need without you having to say it.

Memories

2009-11-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

Today is mom's birthday. She would have been 66. It feels so young to talk about someone in the past tense. Every time we celebrate her I still go through the day in disbelief.

She has been gone over three years now and sometimes it feels like yesterday but other times I think it has been a lifetime. So much has happened. Four children have been born into our family, people have moved homes, jobs have changed, Dad got married (obviously that would not have happened with her here). I just can't believe life went on without her.

There are days I can talk about her without crying just a little, but they are few and far between. Especially lately. I don't know if it is Rachel or what, but I miss her more than usual right now. I have decided holidays will always be hard on some level. After all this was her time to shine. Of course her birthday, and then Thanksgiving. She always spent about three days in the kitchen for this day. There were pies to make, dressing, broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes, and one large turkey and usually a ham that needed to be prepared. We helped some but the majority of it was made by her very skilled hands. and then we went right in to Christmas which was pretty much a "stand back and watch her go" time of year. We never knew where she was but the credit card people did. Mom was crazy about Christmas. Her only reply when the question of Santa Claus came up was "Christmas Magic" (and that was when I was 22).

I apologize for going on and on. I could talk about my mom for hours so I have to stop myself.
The conclusion that I am coming to is that how much you miss someone is directly indicative of how much you loved them in life and the importance they had.
I can't wait to see her again.

The joy of our reunion!

Christmas Crazy

2009-11-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I take all things Christmas very seriously. Christmas decorations, music, movies, gifts, clothes, socks, and jewelry.... all a very serious matter!

This is the first year I have two bugs for Santa to bring gifts to. Both Caleb and Rachel will be getting so many things from outside sources that Zac and I thought it would be a good idea for Santa to scale down a little this year at our house. After all SC is working on a limited budget with only one income and we are trying to sell the workshop.
Growing up my sisters and I got one staple every Christmas. No matter what else was under the tree there was always an absolute that I could count on come Christmas morning- a baby doll.
Needless to say I want the same for my daughter. Let me tell you I have had to put some serious thought into what kind of doll is appropriate for a four month old. She is also getting her christmas pajammas (another must for every christmas) and a couple of books and toys.

My big problem is the doodle bug. I have gotten him a game that I am very excited about. and just like his sister he has pj's and books coming his way. but here is the delimma... He has gotten very into Blue's Clues. He runs around looking for clues and even stashes some around the house so he can play. Now back in the day when my sister's boys were young you could find BC stuff every where (and cheap). Now that is not so much the case. I have been on amazon, and even bid on ebay several times trying to get this kid a handy dandy notebook because he wants one so badly. They are anywhere from $18- $199. What is the deal... They used to be five bucks. So where do I draw the line? Do I become that mother that just has to have this item to the point that I start stalking people, standing in line, forget paying our bills so I can afford this, and even threatening people to get it? Or do I find some neat way to make one even though I have no idea how I will do that? Either way (probably not the first) I know that come Christmas morning my little man will have just what he needs tucked under the Christmas Tree.

The joy of Christmas Magic!!!

Promises

2009-11-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

I might tend to ramble in this post because I have a fever (not sure why) and don't feel all that great but in the interest of pleasing a dear friend I wanted to make a post because she is watching :)
For this and all future posts I refer to me, zac, cabo, and rach as my little family. My big family is usually my side of the family including my four sisters, bonus sister, bonus brother, all of their spouses and children, Dad, and Linda.- and Zac's side of the family which includes his Mom, Dad, sister, and grandparents.

I talk to Rachel a lot about all of the people who love her and cherish her already. We also talk about her Grandmommy and how special she was and is to us. We talk about how much love she had, how much fun she was, and how much she loved family and God.
My big family is going through a bit of a shock this week. My Dad's oldest brother had a stroke on Sunday and it has rocked everyone to some degree. Of course his family but also my Dad as they are very close would do all I can to keep him from hurting. and it seems to take us back to my mom and a cure that was not to be found on this earth.
So Rachel and I were talking about life, love, and loss. I told her that we are not promised a tomorrow. The next thing I said was this "but we are promised forever". I stopped there in my kitchen, holding my two month old, and her half made bottle. I didn't even realize what I had said until I said it and over three years of anger, hurt, and confusion seemed to be answered.
I have been praying for so long for God to help me understand why we are put on this earth with people to love so much just to lose them in horrible ways or at unspeakable times. It was as if he spoke the words through my mouth in an innocent conversation with my infant.
We are never promised a tomorrow on this earth. We are given a much greater gift. We are promised an eternity with people we love, and a God who is beyond compare. We are promised a forever without hurt, sorrow, lonliness, anger, sadness, fear, tragedy....
While we will suffer temporary losses and struggles that seem so great we wonder if we can make it through at times, we have a promise that there will come a day when all will be made right and then we have forever to celebrate.

The Joy of our God!!!

My Bugs growing like weeds

2009-11-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

Rachel, my ladybug, had her two month appointment today. I can't believe she is two months old. Seems like yesterday the nurse was telling me my water hadn't broken when I knew better. That is not something you mistake.
She has gained two pounds since her last visit and is two inches longer. The hilarious thing is that I was going in today prepared to ask the Doctor if she was eating enough because it doesn't seem like she eats a lot. I was also told that by the way she holds her head up and moves a lot that she could start rolling over any day now! NO WAY! I am not ready for her to be mobile in any way. She is just growing too fast.

My Doodle bug Caleb continues to amaze me. Out of no where he will look at me and say "excuse me mom, can I watch Blues Clues?". Then he runs off to work the DVD player by himself. He also points at letters on books and tells me what sounds they make. I want to sit with him and ask "what all do you know?".

The joy of children... Sometimes they make me crazy, but I can't imagine life without them and I wouldn't want to try.

My New Blog

2009-10-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

After reading several of my friends' blogs for so long I have finally decided to jump on the band-wagon. It has taken me more time than I have to give with a two month old and a three year old. I don't know if it is because this is just what is required to have a blog or because I am not very good at it yet. Either way this is what I have for now. Hopefully it will improve soon after I enlist some of my blog affluent friends.